I have been thinking

school was good. summer is good. i feel like i work all day everyday, pretty much cuz i do, but i'm still enjoying myself for the most part. i haven't seen a lot of people that i really need to have seen by now. there's an even bigger list of people i just haven't seen enough.

i should be able to work on that since one of my jobs ends after this coming week. i'm going to have loads of time on my hands. i really need a third job to replace my first. any suggestions? seriously, please.

i am a happy, happy girl. life is treating me very well right now. i don't know what i did to deserve it, or maybe it just realized i always have, but it's an extraordinary feeling. i've never felt such absolute bliss.

now if i just had time to see my best friends once in a while!

(it bothers me that that's a fragment haha)

If you want true harmony in your life right now, you need to put things on pause and try to center yourself. Step back from the social scene and let your inner voice be heard.

Alright, well working on that shouldn't be too hard, considering that the entire campus and its mother went home this weekend. The ones that stuck around are out drinking, and I can't because I'm on four prescriptions from being sick all week. So yeah, I think I can step back from the social scene. I didn't even get out of my pajamas all day.

I'm SO bored! Why else would I bother looking up a horoscope. What am I gonna do for the rest of the weekend? Hmm maybe rest and get healthy, catch up on homework, maybe even get ahead? What a crazy concept. We'll see how that goes.

School is good. Hard, but good. I have good friends, I have a good boy, I have a good time. I guess that's all you really need to know. I'm a little worn down, pretty much ready to be at home with all of you. Here's looking forward to summer and wishing you all a good end to the semester!

p.s. i read every day, if you were curious. i miss you guys.

facebook will be the death of me. it is such an easy distraction. i have a paper due tomorrow and aside from picking the passage im gonna write about and making a rough, really poor outline, i havent started it yet.

i went home this weekend for rosh hashanah. it was awesome seeing all my synagogue friends again, and of course jen and rachel. i spent saturday night at depaul and hung out with jenn jay christina and tom, and that was a wonderful time as well. the whole weekend was very good.

except here i am. three pages short of finishing.


is anyone interested in going to the jack's mannequin/panic! at the disco concert at the UIC pavilion the day before thanksgiving with me? tickets are 30 bucks and i really really wanna go...i love jack's. and panic! too i guess.



i have some apologies to make in the next week before the book of life is sealed without me in it. im pretty screwed then. i have to figure out who i have to apologize to...its tough to remember what ive done in the last year that requires forgiveness. i already have a couple people in mind, but i'll think about it some more. if i dont apologize to you and you think i should, let me know. preferably before next sunday. so i dont die.

okay thats enough of that. back to odysseus!

this entry is dedicated to the one and only love of my life, jennifer diane harvey.

i would say more, but you know it all already. and frankly, i'm tired.

i love you! see you in two weeks!!!

happy birthday!!!

hope it's the best.

i felt homesick for the first time today. i really miss my dad and could use a couple of my BFFs right now. of course i miss everyone, but they were really on my mind today.

so, college. i hate walking to PAR FAR or green street when you cant catch the bus, waiting for clothes dryers, being tired all the time, the effort it takes to shower, and the ridiculous amounts of boring reading teachers assign. i love chi psi, my jews at hillel and aepi, my hebrew class, pizza after midnight, kicking easterns ass at football, our shit, bitch! shirts, kinda sorta but not really beginning to understanding the bus schedule, and having the first nine seasons of friends on tape. oh i also love that my fiction teacher thinks the class gets out at 11:50 when it really gets out at 12:15. that rocks.

basically, its the exact change i needed. except now that the first two weeks are up, and this life is becoming the new normal, i find myself wanting to go back to the old normal. luckily the transition has been made a little easier since i have a bunch of the coolest elk grove kids i know here with me.

id like you all to know that i avoid my horrible reading assignments to such an extent that everyone is out watching beerfest and hanging out at chi psi while i...update livejournal and continue to not read. i'll get around to it. i hope everyones having an incredible time exploring college or savoring their last year or two of high school, and i hope to see as many of you as possible during homecoming weekend!

so today, after a glorious lunch with the one and only christine mallari, i took down the poster and all the streamers in my room. if i had to take them down sometime, i figured i'd make it symbolic since they were put up a year ago today as my welcome home. it hurt so much. hurts so much.

i wish i would let myself enjoy the last 2 1/2 weeks here. i just cant seem to do it. call me up if you wanna do something. itd probably make me really excited. im going up to my cabin tomorrow and thursday. that place always makes me feel good, and i'll be there with great friends, which is always better.

i left the three streamers right above my head hanging. they've gotten me through too much to just throw them in the trash.

tonight was full of pudding, mario kart, polka dotted comforters, torpedos, macaroni and cheese (the color), wine and shredded mozarella, knowing smiles, cigars, bloody accidents, 3rd or 4th introductions, looooong hugs, u-turns, sunroofs, welling eyes, laughter galore, dashboard confessional, and the most unexpected deep, personal question from a stranger in an agreement to not ask how our summers were going.

all in all, wonderful.

theres an israel rally downtown i really wish i could be at right now, but all my jew friends are at camp ramah or in israel except for kara who cant go. my mom called my family and theyre safe for now. im worried about edan-dan though. we always joked about him dying in the army, but he only has a couple weeks left to serve. what torture. please dont try to argue about israel with me if you were planning on it. just know that i support and stand with them.

in some absurd twist of events i dont work until friday night. ive done very little the last week, but that will change. tonight is the long-awaited panera dinner with the girls, tomorrow is a jen harvey day and college shopping with my mom at night. the rest of the week has yet to be planned, but i expect it to involve kate, jess, and rachel, as well as more time with girls. well, maybe not monica with shawn coming home...gosh i love them together. she's been just wonderful in his absence. love you mousch! hear that kate and jess...we're doing something.

i'll leave you with this wonderful quote from my favorite book.

I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that, because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.

tonight i am staying home. why?

-i wake up at 4:30 tomorrow for work
-i didnt call anyone/no one called
-i dont want to be around anyone

i feel like i should say something of consequence here, but i just have nothing. im sorry.

i spoke too soon about the 180 thing. i dont remember the last time i felt this way.

kate and jen saved my life today. jen just doesnt know it.

i cut out all the questions that annoyed me, so if you want to do this go to http://tomthetoolman.livejournal.com for the full version

( a distraction )

the last few days have done a 180 on my summer. i was afraid it was turning out to be average, but with dick's last resort, the taste, six flags, teddy geiger, my graduation party, and the soccer league tonight all in a row--it just doesn't get any better. but i think it might anyway.

i love that i have so many great friends, but i hate that i met so many of them so late in high school. a sincere thanks goes out to everyone who came last night. i had a blast.

i wish my family was more open. we dont talk about love or anger, problems we have with one another or things we appreciate, or whatever's on our minds. i try not to regret things, but that is one thing i do wish was done differentely. the first 18 years can make or break the relationship you have once you leave home, and i think i screwed it up. but i have 6 weeks (ahh!!) to change it, and i will.

but with everyone ive been seeing and everything ive been doing lately, i just couldnt be happier.

im having trouble figuring out what i should share and what i should keep to myself right now. would working through what im feeling help me figure out how to fondly recall the past or just make this harder than it needs to be?

nevermind. i just had a talk with tom, bless his soul, and i dont feel the need to do this anymore. since i hate vagueness i'll just tell you whats up. im in this dumb quasi-depression because one year ago yesterday i left for new york/poland/israel and im feeling horribly alone. its hard to explain. when i came home last year, i cant even begin to express how much i didnt want to be here. i walked through the halls completely lost. i felt so out of place at home. i couldnt even call it home anymore. i missed you all terribly, believe me, i did. but i wanted to be there, with them. and i couldnt. and it had just ended. all of a sudden i was hugging jen harvey at baggage claim, and i just didnt get it. i didnt get where it had gone. without a second thought i can say that those 6 weeks defined exactly who i am right now, and not USY, not hillel, not reunions, not going back to israel, not pictures, not keeping in touch, nothing can give me them back. but ive realized that the definition it gave me, the person it created, that i can have. with beautiful memories and the support of friends both at home and around the country, i can fondly recollect the best time of my life.


so now im just kinda ehhhh.


yesterday was the most fun i think ive had all summer. that may suprise those of you who were there, cept kate, considering i hardly said three things after 9pm. i like listening to all the conversations going on at once. i dont even realize that im not talking until someone asks me whats wrong. its just who i am. anyways i loved seeing all of you who were there and i hope you dont think im crazy.

thanks to everyone that helped me out the last couple hours. i love you guys. i wish i didnt have to sleep alone tonight. thats how i felt my first night back from israel. six weeks of roommates makes nighttime pretty lonely.

( the loves of my life )

( 50 of the most random things you probably never needed to know about me )

since i want to go to another graduation party on july 8th, im going to have my party on sunday, july 9th, as long as thats okay with people. let me know if thats alright or if you think you'll come. its still early so i could make it the friday before or the next saturday or whatevers good for people. i dont really care. but please tell me! i wanna be able to give out invitations at all the parties this weekend. thanks!

today i worked from 8-2, took a three hour nap, and worked from 6-11.

in that time i read two and a half books and studied hebrew for two hours. im going to be very learned by the end of the summer.



i shouldnt be left alone with my thoughts.

ive never been so tired. i love when you can feel a good stretch down to your toes.

( survey! it's been a while. )

i kind of want to see a scary movie. i enjoy them, but they also scare the crap out of me. its been a long time, and i want to go. i miss that rush of tension before something bad happens. will someone go with me?

something isnt right in my life right now, and i cant put my finger on it. i mean, i graduated high school, have had an incredible week of summer vacation, and received my housing for the fall. everythings moving along, and i havent had any sort of breakdown that i was expecting. im confident in the friendships i have, and i dont see them going anywhere. at least not this summer. so whats the problem? i have no idea. but its been on my mind for the last week or two and its bugging the hell out of me. hopefully whatever it is will arise so i can work it out and actually enjoy the incredible summer ahead of me.

im having my graduation party july 8th, because every weekend before that is taken up by important things. i'll have invitations to pass out, but if i dont see you, youre still invited. every one of you! dont think youre the exception, because youre not. so yeah, mark it down.

( the coolest journalism kids in the world )

...cause we keep them going constantly, and we'll never have to listen to anyone about anything, cause it's all been done and it's all been said, we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get.

tonight was my final Guardian paste up. it was bittersweet, if i had to pick a word. i just want to put out a big thank you to our editors, just because theyre absolutely incredible in everything that they do. and jen, i just dont know what to say to you. you remember meeting at larson's house? i was so nervous! and our very first paste up, how we had to hold up the page together when we printed it the first time? and the first few issues, walking out to our cars so proudly? oh lord i love you. big date soon k?

so like, one day of school left, huh? thats a weird feeling. i dont really want to clean out my locker. part symbolism, part lazy. honestly, im pretty sure it all hasnt hit me yet. well regardless, here are some pictures!

( 22 pictures from prom, post post prom, and senior ditch day )

oh life...everythings pretty crazy right now. im trying to capture as much as i possible can, but the days are all just so short lately. everything wonderful is just coming one right after another. its all gonna end so fast, but i love every second of it. i dont think im ready for this yet. im ready for college, im ready for high school to be over, im just not ready to leave. how that works, im not sure. but it does.

pats right. im a very selfish person. he just has the wrong reason. i am really disappointed in myself. will i change? probably not. i'm happy. i hate that.

i love teddy geiger. i cant believe he's only 17.

so how bout this whole no real class, no homework thing. nice huh?

really excited for the next 3 weeks!

grease is amazing!! everyone should go see it. congrats to everyone involved! is anyone going friday? i wanna go again if i anyones going.

im depressed about american idol. i love chris.

i cant sleep lately. it sucks a lot. im a big fan of sleep. and my eyes really hurt all the time, probably as an effect. every day i come home and switch to glasses. poor eyes. im gonna try for some sleep or something now.

things are crazy right now. but i like it. i think.

( alphabet survey. im addicted, i cant help it. )

three APs down, one to go. after monday, high school might as well be over.

does anyone have the new taking back sunday cd? id like to hear it.

i cant quite start studying for physics yet because of the ridiculous humanities paper. actually im only upset because i dont know what to write about. i couldnt complain otherwise cuz i wouldnt start until tonight anyways.

what else? oh last week was my half birthday so i am officially closer to 19 than i am to 18! how did that happen! time is a crazy thing. we all know whats going down one month from tomorrow...

yeah, thats it. yay prom and summer and life after monday!

oh and kinnus was incredible- laughed, cried, blah blah blah, i love everyone, best decision i ever made, yada yada, life-changing organization, and now im sad. the end.